Weekend with Jonathan! So happy to take  pictures at this beautiful place. I could spend DAYS there. And of course it was a perfect day too.
This week has just been weird. I think it’s the fact of things going too well that freaks me out and makes me think of my past. That I don’t deserve this. Or rather that my life just…shouldn’t be going so well. That’s not what it does. I need a sense of chaos and dependency in my life that I just don’t have right now and it’s kinda freaking me out. I feel like I need to fight and to scream and to stop everything in my life from being professional and scripted and proper. To stop making everyone happy and pushing down my inner anger and temper that I’ve always had. There’s only so much you can change about yourself before realizing that all you’ve been doing is pushing things down so deep that you don’t even think of it anymore, until suddenly one day, it all hits.
Maybe I just feel like I need to do something to fuck my life back up. All of my stress has been related to internships and school work and jobs and applying to be an RA and wondering when I’m going to graduate or what I’m going to do with my life. And this is probably the worst time for me to be like fuck.all.of.this and just screw everything and do something ridiculous and somehow fuck parts of my life up. I have my final interview on Friday. And you know what? Maybe I’ll just get myself really fucked up on Friday when we’re done. I’ll get emotional, I’ll yell and scream at Jon about nothing just so I can fucking feel something other than a happiness that I don’t even know if it’s real anymore. I’ll get some god damn emotion out of him that isn’t just a statement that I make him happy or that I’m cute. I want to fucking be more than all of that. I WANT him to be jealous. I WANT him to fight for me and control me and be able to tell me what to and to not do. I want that. I want that back in my life and my relationship. I need some passion and control in my life and I just don’t know how to do it.
But maybe this is just inner me trying to fuck myself over because I don’t think of myself as worth any of it.
i wont get a card, nor a present…
it’s just not something you do, but I’m writing this to remind you,
i love you.
birthdays, christmas, and anniversary’s aren’t something we normally celebrate…
which honestly i’ve got to say: i really hate.
It’s not silly of me to ask for a gift of two… that’s just a symbol to me for saying
“i love you”
it saddens me to think i have no warm thoughts from you, i used to try in the beginning but i see no use..
i’m supposed to “know you love me” but a reminder would be nice…
maybe a present or a letter?
just once or twice…
I know you’re not so wealthy, neither am i.
but a poem, a love letter?
if its so hard… why?
i’m hoping you wont get upset, i just would like you to know..
that gifts mean quite alot to me.. not just because of a bow.
i dont want you to feel as if i’m guilting you..
i’d just like you to realize,
to girls: wanting to feel important is just something we do.
I never admit being wrong. Yes, I know, I have to work on it.
RANDOM FACTS! REBLOG SO YOUR FOLLOWERS CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU (or just ‘cause you’re bored and have nothing better to do).
► Name ➔ Victoria
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ surely
► Are you single ➔ Yes?
► Are you happy ➔ I think I could be happier. I’m good right now, but a few things need to be tweaked
► Are you bored ➔ mhmmm, but I should be sleeping or studying
► Are you sad ➔ a bit off right now, but not sad
► Are you Italian ➔ part, yes
► Are you German ➔ Yes
► Are you Asian ➔ Nopeeee
► Are you angry ➔ Right now? Nope.
► Are you Irish ➔ Yes! haha.
► Are your parents still married ➔ yes<3
► Birth Place ➔ Connecticut
► Hair Color ➔ Red
► Eye color ➔ Green/grey
► Birthday ➔ March 25 1993
► Mood ➔ Tired
► Gender ➔ female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ righty
► Summer or winter ➔ Cheat and say fall
► Morning or afternoon ➔ afternoon but I do love mornings
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ There is someone I do love with all of my heart. buuuutt yeah ahah
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Not love, no. Knowing that you could have an attraction for someone or grow to really care about them? Yeah maybe
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ moi
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Yeah I think so…
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ Yus. The other I don’t talk to often at all though…but friends yes
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ At the current moment yes
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ All I do is hug my wedge brothers
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Maybe!
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes.
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Lemonade
► Cats or Dogs ➔ CATS. It’s a joke that I’m the crazy cat lady. but no really I’m just utterly obsessed with animals in general
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ A few best, but I have many regular
► Television or internet ➔ internet of course! You can get TV from there mann!
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ I don’t really drink soda…
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Wild night out. But like wild as in taking some cute and fun adventures
► Day or night ➔ depends on my mood. I love the sunlight
► IM or Phone ➔ Phone
TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out ➔ Don’t sneak out
► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ Both LOL
► White water rafted ➔ yup!
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ I doubt it
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ MMMMMMmmmhm
► Prank called a store ➔ Nope
► Skipped school ➔ Yup
► Wanted to disappear ➔ errrday
► Smile or eyes ➔ eyes
► Light or dark hair ➔ dark
► Fat or skinny ➔ Don’t like this
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller :]
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Uhmmm it actually depends haha. I love intelligence but I also dated a super intelligent guy who didn’t understand social situations or girlfriends soooo~
► Jock or Nerd ➔ uuuhmmm
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Uhm, relationship I guess?
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ whatwhatwhatisthis
► Last Phone Call ➔ Kaitlin to find her LOL
► Last phone call you received ➔ A kris a tehn a lag uhn a
► Last person you hung out with ➔ My suite I guess haha
► Last thing you ate ➔ Some ice cream bwahah
► Last thing you drank ➔ water
► Last site you went to ➔ the tumbls
► Last place you were ➔ …the common room
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ uhmm…no?
► When was your last relationship ➔ last legit boyfriend relationship, last year
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Very much so
► Do you still love them ➔ Of course. How could I ever not?
► Do you like someone right now ➔ yes! I do! He’s quite wonderful :]
► Do you and your family get along ➔ I actually completely and utterly adore my family
► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ complicated? yes. gone through more than most 19 year olds? yes. messed up? no. Any situation I’m in in the current moment is my doing and something I can fix. Other than those emotional things, I’ve worked so hard to be where I am and I’m SO so fortunate
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ nope
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Never
► If so, how long ➔
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Hate? No. Get maddd annoyed? All the time
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, not necesarily. I’m friends with a lot of people, but not all are good friends
► Who are/is your best friend(s) ➔ Alex, Palwasha, Bri, Aubrie. I have a lot of other close friends, but those are the ones I refer to as my best. My suite is more of family. a weird, messed up one. and I have to say my brothers, specifically my pledge class and a select few and some of my lineage are definitely very close friends that I trust a hell of a lot with.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ Alex. Above everyone else, him. Aubrie. But also Brenda and Kaitlin. Tom and Andrew. After that prob Denise, Jackie and Erica.
the authors of this textbook were clearly high as a kite when they wrote this chapter
WEENIE SPEED HOIYL FUC
After those interviews yesterday, I now have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I mean it’s narrowed down; business. Preferably not finance (but I’m still looking at Goldman) and DEFINITELY not anything like FSR or investment banking. But I still have HR, Marketing, Consulting, Accounting, etc. to look at. Was content with accounting but now I’m seriously looking into consulting and something service related. UGH. I need an internship to figure out what I want since I can’t take my internship with PwC until after my senior year >.< Then I have to figure out if I want to stay for the masters in accounting and take my CPA or not.>>
I thought it was going to be a nice and mellow song but then it took a turn as soon as he started singing
Sometimes it hurts. Just growing up. Changing, growing. No longer are you the person you were yesterday because the nights changed you. The days changed you. All the guarantees in life become marks on a timeline instead of moments. We all get broken hearts, nights where the queazy fulfillment of alcohol turns to morning headaches and squinting eyes at the sun. We all punch our pillows until we fall silent, our muscles worked to exhaustion.
We all wake up and stumble, barefoot to the daylight readying ourselves for our day. We interact with merchants, and sellers. We all see the advertisements that tell us what to be, what to buy. Some of us fall victim, some of us continue on.
We all sigh heavily at the disappointment of the day. Or throw back our heads and laugh at the glory. We all kick off our shoes. Most, if not all, take moments to scroll through captured words, moments and memories that helps us get over the day, or cherish it.
Sometimes, you get pushed. Beaten. Sometimes you get lifted, celebrated, cherished.
Most times you just get up and do what you need to do. Even though it hurts. Because one day it’s not going to hurt as bad. One day you will wake up, after all the hard work, and realize the person you changed into isn’t someone different but just more… well you.